Parenting and the needs of the children

     As people, we have many needs that have to be met and provided for. These needs are especially significant for children. Children need to be nourished and loved. They also need to feel safe and happy in their homes. Parents are the people that are put on this earth to meet the needs of their children.

Why is good Parenting important? 

    Popkin, an influential historian, has said that the purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare kids for the world they will live in. However, he does not just end there but also talks about how it is vital for parents to help them learn how to survive and thrive in the world. 

    The role of a parent is the most crucial part a person can play in a family. A parent is responsible for the upbringing of a child. They provide a safe environment for children to learn and grow. The purpose of Parenting is to aid in the progress of their children by allowing them to make mistakes. Children learn, through the world that they live in, how to survive and thrive. Every child will have a different experience out in the crazy world, and the home ought to be a refuge from the storm that is life. As parents strive to create a safe environment, they are able to help their children learn and grow from the mistakes they make. Because the kids make mistakes in a safe environment, the amount they can learn increases.  

What makes a good parent?

    As parents help their kids by protecting them, preparing them, and helping them survive and thrive in the world they live in, they are able to understand their children and how they learn. It is important to develop courage, self-esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and respect as children. Some may think respect is fearing their parents, but it is not. It is a feeling of understanding, recognizing their worth, and treating them in a loving manner. As for courage, it is the confidence to take risks. Creating good self-esteem helps kids to see the good in themselves. Responsibility is important because it teaches the ability to make decisions and to accept what comes from the choices. Lastly, cooperation is important because it creates an environment where kids can work together and learn from each other. 

You can never get enough of that you do not need, becasue what you do not need cannot satisfy you. - Popkin

So what do children need?

    First, children need contact and belonging. Contact is especially important because it helps children develop mentally and emotionally. If children do not get the contact they need, they may have developmental problems, but they will seek undue attention to receive that touch. Everyone takes their daily dose of touch differently. My younger brother and sister both love hugs, and I mean, they really love hugs. They always want a hug from someone, and it makes them feel good. I, on the other hand, hate being touched, but I do like fist bumps or high fives to receive that contact. One thing that parents can do to make sure their children are getting enough contact is through offering it freely. This does not mean they are pushing contact on their kids but that the kids know they can go to mom or dad when they need a hug. 

    The next one is power. Children like to feel empowered in their environment. When they do not get the right levels, it can lead to rebellion and or controlling others around them. Parents can help kids through situationally appropriate choices and challenges. After power comes protection. A lack of protection can lead to revenge. To avoid revenge, parents can teach "I" statements and forgiveness. Kids also have a need for withdrawal and for challenge. Both of those have limits; too much withdrawal can lead to avoidance, and too much challenge can lead to undue risk-taking. 

Family is our identity

 Identity is defined as the fact of being who a person is. Most people today identify themselves as what their profession is or their job title. However, that is not what should be our identifying factor. Family is really what makes us who we are. We do not realize it, but our family has the most significant impact on how we act and think. 

How can family change us?

The involvement of family members in our lives plays a significant role in how we act. Families are there for us. They are a constant and loving support system. When someone from a family is gone, the others have to step in and help us figure out what is next. 

How does family work to improve or harm familial bonds?

Families before the industrial revolution often worked together to be able to survive. If the Father was a blacksmith, his sons would be helping him and learning from him so, in time, they could take over the family business. However, after the industrial revolution, fathers were gone from the house and their families more often and for more extended periods of time. This, in turn, made the children bond more with their mothers instead of both of their parents. 

As families work together to get something done, there are some good and bad things to consider. There can be harmful effects when within the family, money is involved in getting something done. This teaches children that it is just important to do things for money. It also does not teach them the same feelings of achievement that non-paying work does. Another downside is when everything is done separately. It is important when you are doing things as a family you do them TOGETHER. If you do them separately, you tend to gain more distance between you and a loved one. However, families need to make sure they do their best to create a positive and kind environment when working together. When we built our house, my Grandma came to help us and became controlling, mean, and hurtful. She was impatient, stressed people out, and called people names. This behavior helped to push my siblings and me away from having a good, healthy relationship with her. Families have to make sure they understand how they need to treat each other to foster love and happiness in their home, or it will push people apart.

Some good things that can help families to work to work together are learning to contribute, understanding the why, getting everyone involved, inviting others to participate, making it a learning experience, creating unity, and being a challenging thing. Most importantly, it is to have fun! When my family built a house, it was extremely hard work. We did almost everything ourselves: from framing walls to putting in windows and pulling wires for electrical. It would have been a boring experience for my siblings and me if we had not found a way to make it fun. We played tik-tak-toe on the framing, played crazy music, had dance parties, and even played board games on the deck when we had a break. We made an impression on the house and, in turn, let it make an impression on us. We made the otherwise challenging experience fun and let it bring us closer together as a family. Sure, there were difficult times, and it got really cold, but we persevered and turned work into play. Our family is not perfect, and because of that, we had times when we hated going to work and other times when we refused to do any work. However, in the end, we figured it out and were able to find ways to keep us the most attracted.

Communication is key

What makes up communication?

First of all, a person will have a thought or feeling they want to share with another and will "code" it into words, tone, and non-verbal cues to present the idea. They do that through a type of media. There are many different media types that people communicate through. However, the main ones are speaking or texting another person. After they do this, the person that is receiving the message has to decode it. Once they have decoded it, they have their own thoughts and feeling about what the other said. 

As people are communicating, there are thing things they focus on, words, tone, and non-verbal cues. The main thing that the other focuses on is non-verbal cues. At 51 percent, these cues make up most of how someone takes what is being said. This is important to remember because if you look bored as you are talking to someone, they will remember that rather than the words you spoke. The tone makes up another 35 percent of what people get out of what you are saying. In instances where people cannot see the non-verbal cues you have, they often rely on tone more than words. As for words, they only make up 14 percent of what people are communicating. The words we use are still important, but they do not matter the most. For example, someone who sassily says "I am sorry"is very different than someone who actually means it. The words are the same, but the tone and the non-verbal cues change the meaning completely.  

Why is communication so important?

"By delivering messages clearly, there is no room for misunderstanding or alteration of messages, which decreases the potential for conflict." (a. Stevenson University) If we are able to communicate with those around us, we will be able to find more joy in life and will be able to figure out problems with less conflict. However, if you are not good at communicating, you will not be able to get your point across, and it can lead to more problems from someone misunderstanding. There are many times in a day when someone does not fully communicate what they are trying to say. Even today, I can see a couple of examples. When I was talking to my sister, I was not able to fully express what I wanted her to do, and then she did something completely wrong and started to get frustrated when I asked her to do it better. I could have explained in more detail to her and asked her if she understood before she went to work on the project. 

How do you work on your communication?

There are five things that people can do to work on their communication skills. 

First, there is the disarming technique. This just means you have to find the kernel truth in what they said and state it back to them. This can be hard when someone is saying horrible things to you, but it is a good way to show empathy. 

Second, there is empathy. There are two types of empathy thought and feeling. Feeling empathy is more meaning full because you are able to share emotions. In contrast, thought empathy is just you repeating what they said to you. 

The third is inquiry. It is important to ask questions to make sure you are understanding what they are trying to get across. 

Fourth is "I feel" statements. These are helpful as you are trying to respond to what someone said or did. These often look like "When situation/event I feel or felt emotion because thought. I would like wish.

Lastly is stroking. This is when you show authenticity, admiration, and appreciation for the other. 

It is important to work on all of these because they work together and can help a change happen. 

a. https://www.stevenson.edu/online/about-us/news/importance-effective-communication/#:~:text=When%20communication%20is%20effective%2C%20it,decreases%20the%20potential%20for%20conflict 

Cognition

 What is cognition?

Cognition is a perception, sensation, idea, or intuition of thoughts. As people go through life, there can be lots of thoughts that are harmful to our lives. We must choose what we think. Deciding what to think is important because our brains take what we think literally. If we tell ourselves we are the stupidest person in the room, our brain will believe this is true. 

How have I seen negative ideas impact my life?

I have seen a negative impact because of my thoughts in my life a lot. one example is from when I played basketball; I used to tell myself I was not as good as other people. My brain took this as reality, and I lost my confidence. I saw this negatively affect how I played, and in turn, I did not make my middle school basketball team. That year I played in the city league, and my coach was the high school coach as well. He invited me to come to early morning practice with his team, and I was able to learn and grow. That season I saw a lot of improvement in my skill and my mental attitude. The following school year, I tried out for my middle school team again, this time with the mental thoughts that I was good and I could make the team. I made the team and kept learning and growing. Another way I have seen this in my life is in school. I have always struggled in school due to some learning difficulties I have. On the other hand, my siblings are really smart, and they do not have to work really hard to do well in school. With this idea in my head, it led to a lot of cognitive distortions. 

What are the different types of cognitive distortions?

If we look at the idea that I struggle in school, we can see every one of these distortions. 

1. All or nothing - I often find myself looking and saying things like "it is ALL my fault" or "If I fail this test, I will fail in school." 
2. Overgeneralization - my thoughts like this usually come as something about how most people hate me or think I am stupid.
3. Mental filter - This is the idea that people only look at the dirt and grime in life. I can see things like the lower grade I get compared to my siblings and think that I am the only one that struggles. 
4. Discounting positives - I can see this as I ignore my good scores and say they were just luck. 
5. Jumping to conclusions - I have already mentioned a sentence that touches on this, and it is that I am the only one that struggles. However, everyone has their own struggles and trials they are going through.
6. Magnification and minimization - I can see this in my life when I think that I am not doing well in school at all. I minimize how well I am doing.
7. Emotional reasoning – I have seen this when I say that my feelings are understandable because other people are doing much better than me. 
8.  Should statements - These statements are shaming and degrading. They create a feeling of guilt and worthlessness. I saw this as I thought that I should be as good as my siblings.
9. Labeling - people believe the labels put on them and often change how they act to fit the labels better. 
10. Blame - This last one is one everyone does. There is self-blame and other blame. I can see this in my life as I blame myself for not being as bright as others. 

Now, that was a lot of negativity. That is what cognitive distortions do. However, to counteract these thoughts, you have to develop a complete truth and believe it more than the negative one. It is very important to be aware of your thoughts.